A man wanted to drive to Littlemorehampton. He lost his way. He stopped and asked someone, "Which is the road to Littlemorehampton?" "Turn right until you arrive at the farm of Mr Humbert." "But which farm is Mr Humbert's?" "The one on the corner of the road that goes to Littlemorehampton."
A man and a woman wanted to buy a flat. The agent took them to a cheap flat to look. They did not like it very much. The woman said, "It is important to know - is it insulated?" "Yes" said a voice from the flat above them, "But the insulation doesn't work."
The teacher said, "Short waves cannot pass around objects. Long waves can." The class did not understand. The teacher put his hat in front of his face. "Can you see my face?" "No." "Can you hear my voice?" "Yes." "What does that prove?" "You are talking through your hat." (To talk through your hat = to talk nonsense)
A young singer went to a small town to sing in a concert. His agent was encouraging him. "The audience seems ordinary. In fact they are now rich. They grow tomatoes." "I will not sing," said the singer. "I will return to London. Tomatoes are expensive there. No one will throw tomatoes at me if I do not sing well in London."
A small child met his new teacher for the first time. "Are you good?" asked the teacher. "I am the sort of boy my mummy tells me not to play with."
Two men were talking in a bar. One said, "My problem is I do not like my mother-in-law but she lives with us. Yesterday, I tried to solve my problem. I went to the public house and I drank too much. I forgot my problems. But when I returned home - there were two mothers-in-law waiting."
A man went to a shoe-shop to buy shoes. He put many pairs on his feet. Finally, he was satisfied. "At last," he said, "I have found a pair of shoes that fit me." "I am not surprised," replied the weary salesman, "They are your own shoes."
A woman was very angry with her husband. "I understand you have been telling people that I nag you." "No. People tell me." "What do you mean?" "They tell me that you are a nag. I reply, 'Why should you need to tell me?'"
A husband complained to his friend: "I can never keep a secret from my wife. She always knows when I lie. I do not know why a scientist invented a machine to detect lies. My wife is better than any machine."
A foreign tourist watched a bullfight in Spain. Afterwards, he said to a local, "How amazing that bulls react like that when they see a red cape." "O no sir," came the reply. "Bulls don't move a muscle. It's cows that react to a red cape, sir." "Then why did the bulls react so violently today?" insisted the foreigner. "They were annoyed at the man who thought they were cows."
People from Scotland are notorious for meanness. One of them went to a ski resort. He said to the ski instructor, "I want to learn to ski. I want to ski using one leg only." "Yes sir. Why only one leg?" "Because I will only need one ski. It will be cheaper for me than to hire two."
Tarzan is a character from books and films who lives in the jungle with the animals and his wife Jane. One day Jane asked him why, when he moved through the trees, swinging from branch to branch, he shouted so loudly. He replied that a pharmaceutical company paid him to do so. The company makes pills for people who have sore throats and cannot speak loudly. Tarzan sucks the pills and the company films him and his loud shouts. They use the film for publicity to prove that their pills are effective.
At the optician's, a customer asked, "Are my new glasses ready?" "Yes sir," replied the optician who was a pretty girl. "Try them." He did and was satisfied. He said, "I can see you very well. Good-bye young man."
Scientists wanted to study a meeting between a man and a female gorilla. They found a stupid man and asked him if he would meet a female gorilla for $5,000. He said yes, but made three conditions. One, someone with a gun must stay in the cage with them to protect him. Two, the gorilla must wear lipstick to make her pretty. Three, he did not want to pay all the money at once, but in three payments.
Two friends meet in a bar. One says to the other, "I understand your wife has abandoned you. You must be very sorry. I suggest you go home and drink a lot of beer to forget your troubles." "I cannot." "Why not? Do not you have any beer?" "Yes I have beer. But I have no troubles to forget."
A lecherous king once wanted to seduce a lady of his court. He tried many methods but she resisted them all. Finally, he asked directly, "Which is the quickest way to your bedroom?" At once, she replied with a smile, "First we must go to the church (to get wed), then we can go to the bedroom."
A man went into a shop and asked for a muzzle. The shopkeeper offered him one. He rejected it. The shopkeeper was annoyed. He said,"I'm sure it will give satisfaction. I sold one to a lady half an hour ago. She was very pleased with it." "Perhaps she was. I want a muzzle for my dog."
In the night an old woman who had never married, used her telephone. She said, "Come quickly. There is a man climbing up the wall. He wants to enter my bedroom through the window." "You have made a mistake. This is the fire brigade. You need the police." "I know what I'm doing. Come at once. I insist. His ladder's too short."
One rich women said to another, "It is shameful. Everyone is dishonest." "Why do you think that?" "Today my husband dismissed his cashier." "Why?" "He stole $100 from the till." "How did your husband discover it?" "Because there was $200 missing from the till. I confessed to my husband that I had only taken $100."
The people of Scotland have a reputation for meanness. A man went into a bar in Scotland and bought a ham sandwich. He took a bite but there was no ham. So he complained. The barman told him to bite again. He did - no ham. "That is the explanation" said the barman. "You have already eaten all the ham."
The school teacher had just told the story of the wolf and the lamb. "So you see, children, the wolf ate the naughty lamb because it disobeyed." "Yes miss," pointed out a youngster. "And if the lamb had been good, we would have eaten it ourselves."
Two lecturers were talking. "How do you know when it is time to finish?" "When the students look at their watches every ten minutes, I sum up. When one starts to change the batteries in his watch, I finish."
A man and a woman are in a doctor's waiting-room. "Excuse me," said the man timidly. "Are you here, like me, for the operation to change your sex?" "Yes." "If they fit you, will you exchange your skirt for my trousers?"
Father is reading Cinderella to his son to send him to sleep. "Daddy," interrupts the wide-awake youngster, "When the pumpkin changed into a golden carriage, what did Cinderella declare on her tax return - extra income or capital growth?"
A man believed alcohol was very dangerous. He invited people to listen to his reasons. At the end he said, "Now you understand how dangerous alcohol is - let us all throw our alcohol into the sea." Silence. One man applauded loudly. "You agree with me?" asked the speaker. "Of course. I am a beach-comber. I collect everything that comes from the sea."
A teacher was giving a lesson on good manners. "Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?" "I say 'Pardon me'." "Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?" "Step on the other foot to get a second one."
A woman visited a family. At the end of her visit, she gave a small coin to the little boy whose family she had been visiting. He put it in his pocket without thanking her. His mother, thinking perhaps he was shy, asked, "What do you reply?" "I don't know." "Yes you do. What do I say when your father gives me money?" "You say 'Is that all?'"
A doctor visited a patient who was a married woman. After the examination, he said to her husband outside the room,"I do not like your wife's appearance." "I do not like it either," replied the husband. "But she has a lot of money."
A man returned home early to find his son frightened. "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom. He's hidden in mummy's wardrobe." Puzzled, the man went upstairs. His wife was in bed. When the husband opened the wardrobe door he found his oldest friend inside. "You've been my friend for twenty years," complained the husband angrily. "But now you frighten my little boy."
A policeman visited a fortune-teller. "One of your clients has lodged a complaint against you. I must arrest you for fraud." "Which client?" she demanded. "But madam, surely you must know."
In class, the teacher said, "I shall write a sentence on the blackboard. Find the error." She wrote, "I did not have very happy holidays." "What is the mistake Henry?" Henry thought. "Perhaps you needed a boyfriend."
A big man was accused of beating his wife. He was taken to court. The judge said to him, "How could a big man like you beat such a small woman?" "She made me." "How?" "She repeated 'Beat me? If you do, I will find a judge stupid enough to send you to prison'." The judge thought. Then he said, "You are innocent."
(In England, when you talk to a judge in court, you call him "my lord".) A man was arrested for being drunk. He was taken to court and appeared before a judge. Still drunk, he protested that he was innocent. "I was as drunk as you are. As drunk as a Judge." The judge was annoyed. He corrected the man "The expression is 'As sober as a Judge'. We say 'As drunk as a Lord'". "Yes my Lord. Sorry my Lord. Well that is how drunk I was."
Two psychiatrists were talking. One said, "One of my patients thinks that he is a taxi." "Can you cure him?" "No. Why should I?" "Every weekday after work he carries me home."
In court, the accused man was clearly guilty. His lawyer did not know what to say to the judge. Finally, he said, "It is Christmas. A time for pity and goodwill." "I agree," said the judge. "I will make a decision next week."
A mother always gave her child a spoonful of cod liver oil for her health. The child hated the taste. So she insisted that her grandmother, not her mother, measure the spoonful. "Why?" asked her mother. "Because she trembles," replied the child.
Two old ladies were talking. "How is your grandson getting on? " asked one. "Fine, fine. You know he works in a theatre? Only a week ago, he was the back legs of a horse. Now he's been promoted to the front legs."
A stockbroker went to hospital and had an operation. When it was over, he was part asleep, part awake. The nurse measured his temperature. The patient heard her say, "98.4 doctor." "Good," said the stockbroker patient, half-asleep. "At 100, you must sell."
A man went into a travel agent. He asked for a brochure on Greece. The brochure had pictures of all the famous Greek sites. "I see only ruins," he said, "Not temples and palaces. So do you give discounts?"
Two mothers were talking. One admitted, "I am too strict with my little boy." "Why should you think so?" "Yesterday I took him to a big shop. I lost him. A store detective found him. But when he asked the boy his name, the child replied, "I'm 'John Don't-touch-that'."
A cannibal spent four years studying at Oxford university. At the end of it, he was asked, "When you return to the jungle, will you still continue to eat human flesh?" "Of course I will," he replied, "But I'll always use a knife and fork."
A ten-year-old daughter of rich parents was very spoilt and vain. Every person she met, she would tell, "I am the daughter of General X." Her mother tried to correct her. "You must not boast to everyone who your father is." "Sorry Mummy." The next day, mother and daughter were walking when they met an old friend of the family whom they had not seen for some time. "Aren't you General X's daughter?" she asked the child. "I always thought I was", replied the malicious little girl, "But mummy tells me I must be more modest and not say who my father really is."
There was a science teacher in a laboratory with his class. He said, "First, I take a fly. Now I put it under a microscope. Then I say 'Go away fly'. Now you see - it obeyed me. It has flown off. Second, I take the same fly. I remove its wings. Then I say 'Go away fly'. But you see - it stays. Conclusion - it is not listening."
In a psychiatric hospital, a doctor was examining a patient. "Why are you laughing so heartily?" "I was telling myself funny stories and I'd just told one I'd never heard before."
A television producer was invited by an impresario to audition a dog. The dog talked, sang and told stories. The producer was very pleased and gave the dog a contract to sign. But a larger dog entered the studio. It seized the performing dog and dragged it away. "What happened?" asked the producer. "That was its mother," said the impresario with regret. "She wants her son to become a doctor instead."
Two rabbits were in a wood. They talked about another rabbit, a friend of theirs called Johnny. "How is he nowadays?" "He was very successful. He ended his life in Paris. Now people think he is a mink."
A couple were watching television. The programme showed horses show-jumping. One horse jumped very badly. "Turn off the television for a while," said the wife. "Allow that tired horse to recover."
An American teacher told his class how Christopher Columbus had discovered America. "He was very brave. He took a risk. Without him, there would be no United States today." All the children looked impressed except one. "Don't you think Columbus was a hero?" "No Miss." "Why not?" "I am an Indian."
A man who worked at the docks went to the doctor. The doctor knew that the man drank a lot of alcohol and that can result in damage to the liver. So he warned, "If you continue like this, you could have a serious problem. In future, I recommend you restrict yourself to water." Some months later, the doctor met his patient on the quay and said, "I hope you took my advice." "Yes doctor," replied the man. "I changed my job. Now I am a diver and I spend all my life in the water."
A young catfish lived, like all catfish, on the bottom of the pond. But one day, for a change, it swam to the surface. It happened that a cat was looking into the water. So the tiny catfish, very impressed, swam down again quickly. It called to its mother, "Quick, quick. I have seen God."
In a violent city, a wife whose husband had been unfaithful, visited her lawyer. "I want to divorce him," she said. "That is easy, madam," replied the lawyer. "Give me 500 dollars to begin work." "Five hundred dollars?" She was amazed. "I have changed my mind. I can arrange his execution for less money."
Two men liked to read books about detectives, murder and mystery. When they were travelling together, one asked the other, "What is the subject of your book?" "The French Revolution in 1789." "Has anyone been killed yet?" "Yes. The King. Louis the Fourteenth." "Have you discovered who was the criminal responsible yet?"
Mary went to a restaurant and asked for a job as a waitress. "Do you have any references?" asked the owner. "I worked for five years in a famous restaurant." "Can you prove it?" "Easily. I can show you one of the many spoons that I stole from them."
One night at sea, there was a thick fog. The captain of a boat noticed lights approaching. He assumed it was another ship. To avoid a collision, he called through his megaphone, "You must change course ten degrees south." The answer came back, "No. You must change course ten degrees north." Annoyed, he shouted, "I'm a captain. I order you to change course ten degrees south. The answer was, "I'm a lighthouse-keeper. I order you to change course ten degrees north." (A lighthouse is a tower built on rocks near a dangerous part of the sea. It has a light to warn approaching ships. A keeper lives in the lighthouse to ensure the light is always burning.)
A husband called a plumber to mend a leak. His wife watched the plumber at work. Then she said discreetly to her husband on his return home, "I do not think that plumber is very competent." "Why not?" "As soon as he entered the kitchen, he put on a lifebelt."
A Mr and Mrs Jones went on holiday to the seaside. On their first evening, they went to a restaurant and Mr Jones ordered steak. "What are you thinking of? " asked his wife. "Here we are by the sea. We should eat fish." "You're quite right, dear," he replied. "Waiter, change that to a trout." (Trout is a river fish, not a sea fish.)
At a primary school for the smallest children. It was the time between lessons and the children were in the playground. One little boy said, "I am worried about arithmetic. Suppose our teacher tells me that I have four apples and I must share them between us five? What do I say? It's impossible." "No," said a little girl, "It's easy. You stew the apples first."
A receptionist went into her doctor's consulting room. She told the doctor, "There is one more patient for you to see. He says he has visited all the other doctors in town." "What is his complaint?" "All the other doctors in town." To complain = to say that you are not satisfied Complaint = dissatisfaction but also complaint = illness
A young man told his father that his military service, which he had just completed, had been very difficult. His father disagreed. "I obtained an easy job for you in the Air Force. You lived at home and drove to work daily." "I am complaining about the traffic jams."
Two sheep were talking. "You look really tired," one said. "I know," replied the other. "I had to count 500 shepherds last night before I could get to sleep." Note - it is traditional when you cannot sleep to imagine you are counting sheep. It is so dull and repetitive, it sends you to sleep.
A young man in love wanted to tell his girl-friend how much he loved her. "I would risk crossing fire or water for you," he declared passionately. She was not impressed. She replied, "I know. But you are a fireman."
Three men, grandfather, father and son, lived together. At the other end of the village lived a woman called Blodwen who sold her charms for money. One afternoon, the son said, "I am going to visit Blodwen." After two hours, he returned, very satisfied, and said, "That Blodwen. What passion! What passion!" Next morning, the father said, "I am going to visit Blodwen." After four hours, he returned, very satisfied, and said, "That Blodwen. What passion! What passion!" Next day, the grandfather said, "I am going to visit Blodwen." Two days later, he returned, very satisfied, and said, "That Blodwen. What patience! What patience!"
An old man's wife died. At the same time, his cow died. He was sad that his wife was dead but extremely sorry to lose the cow. The local vicar criticised him. "You seem sorrier about the cow than about your wife. But a wife is more valuable than a mere cow." "Not true," replied the old man. "I have proof. At least ten women have offered to replace my wife. But no one has offered to replace my cow."
A scientist has produced a new bird. One parent was a parrot and the other was a homing pigeon. The scientist explained his idea. "If, coming home, the pigeon loses itself, it will be able to talk like a parrot. It can ask someone to tell it the way home."
A man decided to divorce his wife. He explained to the judge in the court, "My wife would not cook proper meals for me. At first, she would open a tin of food and heat it in the oven. Then, she would simply put the unopened tin in the fridge. Finally, she would not even do that. She left a note telling me where to find a recipe."
A man and his wife went to their cottage in the country for the weekend. The wife phoned the neighbour who was a very pretty girl. "Please will you put on a bikini and have a sunbathe in your garden?" "Yes. But why do you want me to do that?" "I want my husband to cut the hedge. If I ask him to, he will refuse. If he sees you there, he will cut the hedge without asking, as an excuse to admire your figure."
Mary, a newly-wed, phoned her mother. "Do you think you could persuade Daddy to lend me his car tomorrow morning?" "Has your husband's broken down then?" "No, but he promised to teach me to drive."
A reporter often interviewed famous people. But they were very busy people and often they had told their secretaries not to interrupt them. The reporter imagined a trick which would persuade the people to answer their phone. He phoned - the secretary replied, saying "What do you want?" He would answer in a low voice "It's a personal matter. Tell him 'THIS IS THE HUSBAND'." The important person usually had a guilty conscience about some woman and would answer the phone at once, personally, to prevent his secretary finding out more.
John became hoarse. He went to the doctor's, rang the bell and a nurse opened the door. "Is the doctor in?" John whispered. The nurse looked at his face which was hidden by a scarf and thought she understood the situation. She replied, "No sir. The doctor's out. You can come in. You are safe. His wife is quite alone."
A teacher set an arithmetic problem. "You have six pounds in your pocket. You lose four. What do you have in your pocket?" Quickly came the answer - "A hole."
A boy of five years old went to a big shop with his mother. By mistake they became separated. The boy did not panic or cry. He went to the nearest shop employee and said, "Please sir. My mother is lost. Please find her. Tell her I shall wait at the toy counter. And she must not worry about me."
(In England, doctors are notorious for hand-writing that is difficult to understand.) A woman criticised her adult daughter. "You are engaged to be married to a doctor but you spend so much time every day with a chemist." "I must, Mummy. Only the chemist can read the love letters he writes me."
Two men were drinking in a pub. One said, "You look miserable. What is the problem?" "I've discovered that I talk in my sleep." "Well that's not serious." "It is when it happens in the office."
When a robber entered a woman's house at night, she surprisingly arrested him and called the police. The sergeant congratulated her. "But," he said, "You should not have hit him so hard or so many times." "Sorry officer," she replied." The fact is, my husband has not come home and I thought, at first, it was him."
A man who had drunk a lot of beer, went to the office where they register births, marriages and deaths. He entered and said, "Morning fellows, I want to register the birth of twins." "Of course," replied the official. "But why did you say fellows? I am the only person here." "Oh," the happy father hesitated. "Perhaps I'll return to the clinic and count the babies again."
The doctor used his stethoscope on the patient. Finally, he said, "I hesitate between appendicitis and brain damage. I'll come back tomorrow. Don't worry. If you're still alive, it's appendicitis."
A tax inspector went into the African jungle and found a tribe which had never paid taxes before. He explained that he wanted some of their money, but not for himself. "The money will go to the government," he said. "But they will spend it on you. They will make sure you are never hungry." "I understand," replied the native." It is the same thing as if I cut the tail off my dog to give it something to eat."
A butcher made his own meat paste and sold it in his shop. A customer asked what the contents were. "It is made of beef and quail," he answered. "But quail is an expensive, small bird and your paste is not dear. Is your paste really half and half?" "It certainly is. I put in one cow for each quail."
(In England, unlike elsewhere in Europe, the contents of sausages is always a mystery. Often it is better not to know what is inside.) A butcher in a small town always boasted that he never ate sausages. He did not eat other butchers' sausages because he did not know what was in them. He did not eat his own sausages because he knew - only too well - what was in them.
A little boy came to the garden gate but, seeing a big dog, he hesitated to enter. "Come in my dear," called out the owner. "He doesn't bite." "No?" replied the child, "but does he swallow?"
Joe bought a talking parrot. He told his friends it could recite Shakespeare. They did not believe him. In fact they bet him a pound it would not say a word. The parrot remained silent. An angry Joe had to pay a pound to each of his betting friends. When the friends had left, Joe complained to his bird, "First I paid a lot of money to buy you. Now I have had to pay when I lost my bet." "It does not matter," replied the parrot, proving again that it could speak. "Next time, you bet one hundred pounds, not just one, and I will recite a complete Shakespeare play."
A tramp begged money from a person who was passing. "Give me five pounds." "Five pounds is a lot of money. Why?" "To buy lunch. I haven't eaten yet." "I haven't eaten lunch either." "Good. Give me ten pounds and I will buy your lunch for you."
A little girl was grimacing. Her old aunt did not like to see that. She warned, "When I was your age, my mummy said if I continued to grimace, I would become ugly." The child considered a moment. then she said, "You should have listened to your mummy."
A private detective made his report to his client who was a jealous married woman. "I've followed your husband for two days now. He went into ten ladies boutiques and ten ladies hairdressers." "I knew it!" sighed the woman. "How many mistresses does he keep?" "None madam. I've made enquiries everywhere. He was looking for you."
(It is a tradition that, before someone is executed, he is offered a last request - like a cigarette or a drink.) The criminal started to climb the ladder to the scaffold to be executed. The executioner stopped him. He offered him the traditional last drink. The criminal refused. "When I drink whisky, I suffer bellyache for a week afterwards."
(Peanuts are considered small and worthless. They are food for monkeys.) Does a man who trains monkeys earn a lot of money? No. He only receives peanuts.
A man and a woman were both very shy. For years, they had spent time together, which they both enjoyed. One day, the woman decided to be brave. She suggested, "Don't you think, dear, it is time to marry?" "Yes," the man replied. "But who would marry us?"
(Figaro is the name of the hero of several operas.) A woman bought a cat and called him Figaro. Every night between ten and eleven o'clock the cat comes indoors to eat. When he is late, the woman goes out into the garden and calls "Figaro, Figaro." One day, she heard her young daughter talking to a school friend. Her daughter explained where she lived. "I know," replied the other child. "That's the house where the lady sings opera outside her front door in the middle of the night."
(It is a tradition after a marriage for the couple to have a holiday, called a honeymoon. Originally, it lasted a month [a moon] and they ate honey [to make them amorous].) An American couple went to Europe for their honeymoon. On their return, the bride visited her mother who asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "OK. John was the same as usual." "How was Europe?" "OK." "What impressed you most in Europe?" The bride thought. Then she said, "John".
A new tiger arrived in the circus. The other tigers greeted him with, "What a pity you weren't here in the days of our old trainer. He was kind, dedicated and...delicious."
Two women were talking about a third who had spent a long time in hospital. They discussed the horrible details of her illness and one said, "Her leg was amputated. They even removed the foot."
An old Russian proverb says: "No man keeps warm long by peeing in his shoe".
(This is a pun. To understand the joke you need to know: to multiply is a process in arithmetic. It also means to breed. to add is a process in arithmetic. Adder is another name for a viper.) After the flood had subsided, Noah said to the animals, "Go forth and multiply." "I can't," replied a snake. "I'm only an adder."
A driver was lost in the countryside. He did not like to admit it so only asked a local, "How far down that road is the village called Little Wallop?" The countryman did not seem very intelligent. He thought before he answered, "If I can remember and if what I learnt at school was correct, the village is about 6 thousand miles away. But if you turn and go the other way, it is three miles away."
A snobbish pair of townies were driving in the countryside when they lost their way. Seeing a local rustic, the husband asked, "Is this the road to Little Wallop, my man?" No answer. The wife said impatiently, "Forget him George - the man's a fool." "I may be a fool," said the local man slowly, "But I'm not lost."
A woman driver had an accident. The car went into a ditch. A man arrived with a horse and cart. "Don't worry," he consoled. "It doesn't take me more than an hour to pull pregnant women out of ditches." "But I'm not pregnant." "And you're not out of the ditch yet either."
Why are girls always so bad at geometry? Because boys are used to looking at curves.
A boy met a very innocent girl and went to bed with her. Afterwards, she asked, "My mummy always told me to be good. Was I?" (to be good = to behave well to be good at something = to perform something well)
Back in Victorian England, a colonel married a young girl. While they were in bed the morning after, she asked him,"Do ordinary soldiers do this with their women?" "Yes m'dear." "And sergeants with their wives? "Yes m'dear." "Well tell them to stop - it's too good for them."
"Waiter I want two pieces of toast please." "Of course, sir." "Just a minute. The first piece must be black one side and white the other. The second one must be half soggy, half brittle." "I'm not sure we can manage that." "You did yesterday morning."
